I... well... no idea... well, you choose (:

The world stood still. Everything was waiting. I didn't know what to do.

***

The night was dark. Yeah, what a surprise, isn't it? The moon was big and shiny but one didn't get to see it with all those clouds up there. Clouds are important.
Of course, there was rain. There always is when you need it. Actors can do their best, but the weather will always be better.
Black and white, black and white. Black all around, white inside. That's what I've been told.
There was a little light somewhere, but I didn't really know where. At that moment I wasn't really myself, so I couldn't feel the space around. I just knew there was light. And it got bigger.
The silence danced. I didn't feel that either, but there is always silence. It danced all around. It could scare me, but it didn't. I didn't notice it. It wasn't important.
The light touched me. But... no, I'm wrong. It wasn't possible. It came out of me. I felt the teacher. The only thing I could feel.
I didn't hear words. I didn't feel them either. But I felt what he meant. I knew he was there and that was all about it.
I felt it. I didn't know what was "it", but suddenly it became strong, far to strong to survive. That's what I thought. But then... it stopped and I knew. It was what I was suppose to do. And it was where I was suppose to go. Strangely enough, it was who I had to be, too. And what.
Words are weak. I knew I'll never be able to explain. I don't have to. No one would understand, even if I could. Ever. It's something everyone knows. But... no, no, that's not truth. Only a few people know it. Only a few people have felt it.
Big and clear and somehow shiny and white and blue at the same time, and a little orange, and... Amazingly beautiful, that's for sure. Giant and at the same time I could put it in my hand... And... so great that I couldn't stand watching it, touching it in that great world of silence... I wanted it to leave, to go somewhere where it would find peace... Where it would be. But it wouldn't go. It stayed. It didn't feel so strong any more, but it still felt.
Then I was back. It felt as if never had happened, but I knew. It had and I could feel it. I knew where it had gone. There, where the biggest muscle had to be. And I knew it was still there, but it was not alone. There was another living thing there. And it died a little every time when I did something against its will. And it hurt my heart. It did and still does so bad that I prefer doing what it says.
One day I would realize that the thing there was actually me. It was the so called soul. And I got it when I felt that thing, that amazingly beautiful thing.

***

That was then, this is now.

- Are you OK?
-Yeah, sure I am, what's up?
-So?
-I... no, thank you.
-What? Why?
-I... I've got some work to do.
-Right...
-Yeah...

Sorry...

I'm sitting here. My soul feels black.
The music pours. I'm thinking. I'm thinking about all the people I've hurt. And about those I keep hurting. Just by not closing my mouth. About my dad, whom I hurt the most just because I did what I had to do. About my mum, who has enough problems without me telling her that she doesn't understand me or whatever. About my friends, who I left here without any shame.
I'd like to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that, I'm sorry that I can't think before I say something. I'm sorry that I hurt you all. I'm sorry that I love you, 'cause that means I'm gonna say something stupid sooner or later. I'm sorry that I lie to you sometimes. There's no excuse for that. Still, I'm sorry. I think I do it 'cause I believe this is a way not to hurt you... And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sometimes a bitch to all of you. I don't ask you to forgive me. But I hope...